Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I love the honesty
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”