You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You Might Also Like
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time