Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
every single time
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.