I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.