Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You Might Also Like
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.