I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?