My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.