professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson