Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
#milo
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep