Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
How to wake up a Beagle
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris