A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics