Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Customer is always right