I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The funk soul brother
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.