i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A man of commitment.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.