Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.