I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
i think both sides are to blame here
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]