My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.