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Expectations vs. Reality
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If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*