How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.