I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Whisper out to librarians!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice