[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
You Might Also Like
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
drew a comic about my origin story
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you