Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
a god among men
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Breaking news:
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”