Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here