‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Well, shit
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When he asks for feet pics
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.