Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging