Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?