Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
When you’ve simply given up.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.