I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Smells like a challenge to me
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.