Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*