I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit