I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….