Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore