I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Smile Twitter, Smile.