forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.