I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Nice try, poison.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.