Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful