[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho