[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me checking my bank balance online.