I am laughing way too hard at this.
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.