if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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notice
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres