Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
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CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.