My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My neck my back my allergy attack