Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Clients after you give them your rates
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice