There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
You Might Also Like
Hot Panini is in big trouble
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’m sure it’s fine.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
cyclists
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
time machine? you mean a clock?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?