You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*