My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok