dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.