“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason