me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.