My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.